I didn't fall off track

>> Dec 5, 2010

I just couldn't think of how to write what would be the most honest answer to the reverb10 prompt.
Author: Alice Bradley
Let's Panic About Babies
Prompt: Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?
The easy answer is to talk about my scrapbook style and letting go of the idea that artists are born knowing how to 'art'.  Realizing that even artists need to study color, composition and other artists.  I know a lot of it just comes easy and is an organic part of their nature but some artists develop and that I can't expect to just sit down in front of a piece of paper and have that paper become a masterpiece each and every time.  I could go on, but then my answer to the prompt today would be a cop out.  I'm also never one for avoiding.  It is a flaw, when there is an issue going on, I can never understand how people can talk about the weather.  This doesn't expand to politics or social issues.  I mean when there is an issue in a relationship and you just pretend it's all ok and everything is perfect.  I can not seem to operate in that fashion.  I have people in my life that are currently addicts, recovering addicts and unfortunately deceased addicts.  

So what did I let go of this year?  If I'm to be completely honest, probably nothing short of the idea that you can't truly let go like you want.  I like to think I let go of anger and pain that has been caused by loved ones.  Loved ones who succumbed to temptation of drugs and alcohol.  But I know I haven't let go completely, nor do I truly believe you ever can.  I think these experiences alter you forever.  Maybe I'm not mad any more, maybe I don't cry from something they do or say, but I still worry that they'll relapse, I worry that someone else will give in to the temptation of alcohol or drugs and I'll have to 'deal' with it again.

I do believe you can let go enough to have beautiful relationships with people, just perhaps not the relationship you wanted.  Take for instance my relationship with my dad.  He was an alcoholic most of my life.  He is now 5 years sober.  About a month ago I was discussing the 12 steps with someone, and how one of the steps is to reach out to the people you have hurt in one way or another.  I called my dad who said he did the 12 steps.  When I asked about it, he said it was step 5 or something.  I said "oh ok, I was just curious how that step worked".  He went into detail about how you were suppose to write a letter or contact the people you hurt, make amends, apologize, 'whatever' he said.. When I hung up, I had a fabulous and honest giggle with a friend about how I guess I wasn't someone he hurt.  I really did find the ironic humor in it, that he could explain it to me without once thinking I wasn't on the recipient list.  Truth is his addiction hurt me greatly.  Truth is I didn't care he didn't apologize.  The honest truth is, every day he doesn't drink, every call he makes to me sober and every time he spends the little money he has to come half way across the united states just to see me is more than any apology he could have given.  


Celia December 06, 2010  

Well done Tami, it was a hard one and you were so open and honest about it.
More so than me- I just stated vague things as the people I felt were "implicated" probably will read it and I didn't want to hurt them more.
You have done a great job.

May-B December 06, 2010  

That was lovely. That's a big deal to be able to let go. Wish I was there.

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